On the steps of Moorgate station

It was around this day, ten years ago, that I met my P as a grown-up. At an entrance to Moorgate station. It was a warm summer's day, my first week in London, and we stood amidst the rush hour commuters as they parted midstream to avoid us. He had just come off a night shift. I was running late for a class. I don't remember us saying very much. I do remember us smiling. We bought an orange juice from the EAT opposite. P may have offered to show me around London. It was an ordinary weekday moment and neither of us had any idea yet how important we would become to each other. It was the quiet start of something beautiful and a moment I always remember every time I pass by that station.

Freeze these moments in time

I feel content. And happy, warm, cosy, loved. There have been so many times over the last 6 months when I have wanted to freeze moments in time and live in them forever. 

The three of us playing the piano together in the evenings; sun lit afternoon walks in our neighbourhood parks with little J on P's shoulders...holding his ears tightly like reins; naps with J cuddled up under blankets together; evenings with P snuggled on the sofa watching Star Trek...hoping J gives us a peaceful hour; introducing J to the wonder of splash pools, ducks, hide and seek, cats, aeroplanes...pretty much everything; meal times together in our garden; waking up to find J beaming at us and shaking the bars of her cot; unexpected cuddles and kisses from J in the middle of her play;...so many more memories!

I didn't expect to enjoy motherhood as much as I have. I didn't expect to love my little J as much as I do. I didn't expect P and I to be as cohesive a team as we have been. These have been wonderful months that have suffused me with love and happiness.

The pandemic has made itself felt. P's redeployment and his dad's time in hospital has kept the virus real for us. But it has only highlighted the precious time that P, J and I have together. 

I have enjoyed being married to P. I always thought that things couldn't have got better than our togetherness the last many years. Little J has been the icing on our cake in ways I never imagined possible. 

I have so much to be thankful for.

Those voices in my head...

There's a book in my brain! Little streams of storylines keep bubbling up in my mind, my commute to work is overflowing with words I feel I simply have to write down, and more than anything else, I want to know how this story will  end. I shall get typing, if only so that my curiosity is sated.

There's a summer calm in the house tonight. PB is playing Bach softly on the piano, the dim yellow lamp is flickering mildly and a solitary moth is making its presence felt.

I feel relieved to have finally blogged after a hiatus of more than three years.

Taking the long way around

A friend recently remarked that I have shown few signs of life online this year. That is true, but is the happy consequence of days that have been filled with God and family and friendships and work...well, mostly work. Still, these (annual) posts are important to me. A way of marking the passage of time and with it the lessons that my Teacher places before me and my own personal growth. 

2014 has been an easier year at school. I have been a slow learner, however, and though I well recognise the lessons set for this year I cannot claim to have mastered them yet. There is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3) and we live through many seasons in life. My mother, a wise friend, has often impressed on me the importance of living each season fully and embracing the growth it brings. This year has been a season of waiting in most spheres of my life. Seasons of waiting bring lessons of patience. In a quick paced world lessons of patience are not easy to grasp.

I have often remembered the time of the biblical Exodus and when Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt to years of wandering in the desert. The bit that always struck me was a couple of lines at the beginning of the account: "When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even through that was the shortest route to the Promised Land. God said, "If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their minds and return to Egypt." So God led them in a roundabout way through the wilderness toward the Red Sea." (Exodus 13:17, 18a)

God had a purpose when He led the Israelites the longer way. They were compelled to learn lessons of trusting His plans and depending on Him for their every need. I always thought that I depended on my Teacher for everything and I have always asked that He bring my will in line with His. The hardest lesson during this season of waiting was discovering that while this was intellectually true, deep down inside I still needed to learn to trust my Teacher, to depend entirely on Him, to recognise that His timing, while not mine, is perfect and to ask for the patience I need to be content with the many blessings He has already given me. 

As always, this post is vague. But then, as always, perhaps it was never really written for you. So, to end on a more definite note, below is a picture of a fried quail's egg (it is the little things that mark milestones) and here are some of the many blessings that I can count from 2014: close-knit family, loving friends, supportive church, my job, a piano (finally!), a warm flat, travel and new places (the Shire!!), whatsapp with my grand uncle (at 89!) and finally, the lessons of a Teacher who loved me enough to give His life for me.

Happy 2015!

Playing with fire and getting burnt

A year ago, a crystal ball could never have told me, nor could I have believed it if it had, that I would be approaching the end of 2013 with such a joyful heart. A year of hard lessons learnt in life's classroom, and my Teacher finally decreed that a slightly greater degree of maturity, yearning to be led by Him and a deepened understanding of His love had sunk into me at last. School isn't out for summer yet (is it ever?) but the lessons I am learning now are of a different type - pleasanter, less prickly and more of relaxing into the knowledge that He knows best and learning to ask for wisdom wherever it is required with the confidence  that if it is, it will indeed be given. 

So what did I learn in the toughest school year so far. That when I follow my Teacher, He gives me the peace of knowing that I am in His will, and if that peace is replaced by a nagging feeling of unrest, then it is time to reconsider my choices. I learnt that prayer is answered. Even if the answer is heartbreaking. I learnt that parents could be more than parents - they could be best friends. I learnt that when lessons are being learnt through painful wounds, parents are the best healers with the softest touch and the closest thing on earth to unconditional love. I learnt that my sister is right. Almost always. (But don't tell her I told you that!) I learnt to appreciate her discernment. I learnt that my friends in His classroom could be family (and that I could be myself, even lose my temper and strop off like a toddler, but they would still love me). I learnt to let people into my life. I learnt to ask for help. I learnt that when you play with fire, chances are you will get burnt. But I learnt that there is still healing and joy to follow the pain. I learnt that when hope and laughter seem to be myths and nobody can be or is around, that my Teacher always is. I learnt that when I lose the words to pray, He prays for me. I learnt the value of regular prayer with a prayer partner. I learnt that sometimes it is in the midst of silence and loneliness that my Teacher speaks the loudest.

But perhaps the lesson I struggled with most was Forgiveness. With the capital 'F'. It is so easy to say "I forgive you", or think it, maybe even feel it, but not actually do it. I discovered that Forgiveness was a lesson which takes patient perseverance. It's like a yellow rubber duck in a bath tub. Every time you think you have finally drowned it, up it pops again, as resilient...no...as stubborn, as before. And yet, forgiveness is such a vital lesson. The textbook I use tells the story of the king who forgave his servant a huge debt. The servant left his presence, seized his own servant who owed him a small amount of money and threw him into prison. The anger of the king when he heard this was terrible, and he was enraged at the injustice of a situation where he could forgive the magnitude of debt of his servant, but the man could not do the same for his own debtor. Naturally, in his righteous anger, he threw the servant into prison. And so it is in our lives. My Teacher gave everything for me, even His life, so that everything I ever did, or do or will ever do wrong is forgiven. I then have no excuse not to learn Forgiveness. Forgiveness with its hard, bumpy, capital 'F'. And I did learn this in the end. Tear strewn classes and temper tantrums not withstanding. I learnt the value of a friend who could honestly look me in the eye and tell me I was still not Forgiving. I appreciated a little better, when I pain my Teacher time and time again, the unimaginable awesomeness of His Forgiveness.

This year has seen difficult times, but I have emerged closer than ever before to my Teacher, and wiser and more grateful to and in love with the family and friends around me. 

This post is a bit vague. Perhaps on purpose. Maybe I never wrote it for you. So, as compensation, I will leave you a picture taken on a beautiful sunny day on an icy glacier lake as four intrepid young ladies (ladies? us?) decided to take Canada by storm.

Snow White

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who is the fairest of them all?
White threads - smooth, intricate bound,
Their warm embrace by black strands crowned;
Dark, deep waters - silky, smooth,
Entering in to quieten and soothe;
Capsules - small, shaped like a kite,
Silent thieves of breathe by night; or
Cliffs - majestic, towering, strong;
Freefalling the path along...
Tell me, mirror on the wall,
Which would you choose of them all?!

Ten Little Indians



View from a lonely graveyard on a hill near the sea.








First there were ten
Now there are three
Everyone's gone
'cept two and me
















I have a room to clean and hair to wash, but since it has been so very long since I have felt the urge to blog, it seemed only right to give in to it. Two years have flown by, and I cannot help but think of the beginning when ten little Indians (not quite accurate, but following from the nursery rhyme) arrived in Big City, to experience a new way of life and see where it took us. And I remember, even further back in time, when five of the ten, during a whiz trip to Big City, after a long and ravenous search for a restaurant with a decent vegetarian menu and being forced to give away chocolate to a passing waif, settled for a Lebanese joint in Ca**ing Town, and laughed at how we would come back here, years in the future and fight to pay the bill. Back then, three units of Big City money, translated to such a large number of rupees it seemed such a waste to eat it all in one meal (at least it did to me)!

Time marched on, and some of the ten grew fatter and ponchier (I did) and some absorbed Big City style and panache (I'd like to think I did); we travelled, we danced, we took tons of photographs, we developed the dark circles and insomnia that the Wharf invariably brings, we lived in our little flats, mostly as satellites around the Wharf, and swapped awful landlord stories (Pijeon, not my present landlords of course, I mean my previous one) and made the best use of our time in Big City. We never went back to Ca**ing Town for dinner, but, well, by then we had found better places to dine at (and who has their first Big City dinner there anyway, right?).

And now the two years are over. The mass exodus from Big City began last month (well, actually it began six months ago with the first little Indian who answered the call of Lit). Most of the little Indians are moving on to new and exciting experiences always craved, or going in search of new and exciting experiences to crave.

I knew some of you better than others, but all of you hold a place in my memory and I will miss your faces around the Wharf. So thank you - for the fun, the food, a listening ear, a hug when needed, tips about departments and supervisors, being my travelmate, taking an awesome fb profile picture, keeping a transcript of the Cluedo game, being my partner getting through exams, being an awesome flatmate, being a hospitable neighbour, helping me figure out Rita Ora lyrics ("Let's party and whaaaat?"), being an oasis of home abroad and just generally, being around and making the transition to Big City life a lot easier! Good luck with Lit, Marriage, Entrepreneurship, Policy, Singland and/or the Great Unknown and I hope our paths cross again in the future!

Just a thought.

Living by the river. Dreaming of the wide sea. 

My heart's always drifting. Better lives there must be.

Mr. M.N. Holla

My first memories are of living at my grandpa's house. I remember he was always the first to get up in the morning making tea and chapatis, I remember walking with him some afternoons to Rajanna's milk farm across the parallel road to get fresh cow's milk for tea, playing "who talks last" in the passenger's seat while he drove his old blue left-hand drive around, and listening wide-eyed to his anecdotes about his childhood in the village at Mangalore and of the Arabs and Europeans he worked with in Kuwait. I remember him helping me learn Kannada for school exams, praying at all our family lunches and most recently celebrating my birthday with me along with my Grandma and Aunty Joyce. He was a very friendly and generous man, always giving others and helping everybody he could. He would smile even at strangers and the number of people in just our neighbourhood who knew Mr. Holla and considered him a friend outnumbers my list of so-called "friends" from across the world on facebook. I can vouch for the fact that he made the best chicken biryani, and while I used to grumble about eating his chicken curry as a child, I now miss it and can't imagine growing up without it. 

I remember him always coming for every school event, be it sports day, my prize distribution days, my graduation, always reminding us that he built the Flack auditorium at school and always being so very proud to say he was our grandfather. And today, I am proud to say that I am his granddaughter. Proverbs 13:22 says that a good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children and I believe that my life is so blessed because of the way grandpa lived. He left an inheritance of the richest blessings for Rachel and I and for Joshua, Jonathan, David, Lia and Gil. There were many hardships he faced and sacrifices he made looking after my grandmom and his six children and he took a difficult stand when he chose to follow Christ as a young man, but God was a father to him and took care of all his needs, gave him a long life, good health for most of it, and provided for every member of this family. God used him to reach others as well, be it through his work with the Gideon Ministry, the Brethren church in Kuwait which first started in my grandma and his home, his work on the board at Elim in Whitefield and the numbers of people he gave lifts to in his car.  It amazes me how the choices made by one man to serve God have had such a cascading effect not just on his own family but also on so many others.

A passage which had a profound effect on his life and led him to God as a young man is found in both Mark 8:36 and Matthew 16:26 - "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" I am sad that he is no longer with us and wish I could be there at his funeral, but it is a great encouragement to know that even if my grandpa is no longer in this world his soul is safe with Jesus and I will meet him again someday.

Is there a holiday in sight?

The first exam hurdle has been attempted, and now I'm keeping my fingers crossed and my prayers flowing that it has actually been crossed. I'm tired now though. There's been a headache on since last Wednesday which isn't going and I have to admit I'm quite annoyed with it! Maybe I should get my eyes checked...hmmm...possibility.

It's good to be back to the real world, and the best feeling in a week and a half was walking home the night after the exam, and seeing the night sky and the boats and feeling the cold night breeze. It's good to be alive.

I still feel like I'm on autopilot though. My brain got fried sometime over the last week and there's a robot going through the motions now.

I can't wait to get away. A holiday is definitely the way to go!

Thank you to all those who prayed for my study and the exam, and those who messaged in providing a human lifeline, and to NWD, MNP, and RAP2 for bearing with all my stressed out shenanigans.

Have a good week all. ;-)

"Down the only road I've ever been down"

I haven't blogged in a long time. I think that's partly because the angsty college bit of me disappeared since the end of university....no matter what people say about college being the best years of your life, I think I like the grown-up world a whole lot better! Or maybe it's just London. :o)

On the whole, despite the rain, I've been happy. I think a lot of this has to do with my church community (at the barge - check it out here - http://www.stpetersbarge.org/ ).  It's been encouraging to see the level of support people give to one another, in practical matters (could I borrow a single fork for my dinner party please?), emotional ones (so and so and I aren't talking, I'm not handling this well, what do I do??) and of course spiritual (how's your quiet time going?). And the warmth extended to newcomers (like me, ten months ago). Despite the diversity reflected in church, I've never had so many like-minded friends all at one go, and this has been such a strong reminder that no matter where we are and what our background/age/race/nationality, there is one person uniting all of us in a more powerful way than I ever imagined before. I'm so glad to be part of this family.

I love my work. I seriously sincerely do. And I like seeing how I've grown over the last 10 months...my confidence, my skills. It's great to be able to wake up in the morning (most days...sometimes that's when I'm going to bed) and know that I have the rest of the day to do something I actually enjoy!

At the moment, though, I'm very very tired. Working all day and studying most of the night is beginning to tell. Fingers crossed this exam gets done in the first attempt. I don't think I could stand to study this mountain of paper yet again!!!

I live in the hope of an exam-free tomorrow (read post-September into that....there are two more to go once this is done)! Until then, shalom, and as my granddad says, smile those clouds away! ;-)

(I had pictures to add, but blogspot/the internet/my computer) isn't letting me upload at the moment

Almost two months in.

I can't believe it will soon be two months!

Where has the time gone?!

I live for the weekends. That's when this city comes alive to me....music and theatre and church and friends and sleeping in late and adequately long phone conversations and long walks and the city and fresh cold air and rest.

Music is stirring within me again. It can't be missed. Everywhere in this city it calls to me and envelops my soul. Fulfillment I haven't found in a long while. And I'm playing the piano again. Schubert and Chopin flow through my fingers. Impressionistic and romantic. Where have they been all these years? How could I ever have let them go?

And God is very real again. With guardian angels stationed at every tube stop, at every unfamiliar crossroad, and in some old known faces.

So here are some pics from a lovely lovely day. Pics courtesy Annie, who is a wonderful photographer and even caught the sea gulls.

Hugs to everybody back home.

I'm Here!

British Museum

The O2

The Monument

I have arrived! Two years of waiting and mentally preparing myself are now over.

It's been good so far. I've been blessed to meet good, kind, and warm people over the last few days. The weather's just like home at the moment, and my hair is behaving. Behaving very well actually...putting up its best front for a new place I suppose.

I hope to settle on a church soon. Everybody on the Barge has been very welcoming, I could think it would make a good home church, but want to check out a few other options first.

An apartment is under negotiation, but the hostel is a very cheerful place to be in for the moment.

If my family and closest friends could be here with me, life would be complete.

Till later then. 

A page about to turn...

I treated the first of my "juniors-to-be-treated" today. It reminded me of some happy moments in law school...of poetry and concerts, and first year perm time (oh yes, excitement associated with that too!), of friends made and kept over 4/5 years, of dreams fulfilled, of hours spent in bookshops (and yes, I was right, the high piles of books did have to fall!!)...and so many other things. Nice things. This is what treats are about....this, and of course, pleasant company and conversation.

I know everybody's been doing this, and I guess I'm ready to do this now. So here are some of my favourite moments from law school...there have been others, but these are the ones which spring to mind....

1. The singing auditions, first year, and singing Masquerade. Sallie and Thomas judging and being very serious.
2. My first few LSC trips.
3. Talking until the wee hours of the morning in the Training Centre with JTP and AM.
4. CR election results, second trimester. 
5. Long walk in the very early hours of the morning with JTP in the Nags forests (is it a forest?).
6. Motorbiking to Magadi and back with Dev M..taking every detour possible on the way and swinging from trees.
7. The singing auditions, second year...and finding and releasing my voice's power with "Rainbow High".
8. History being taught by Rohit De....and my very first "O" Grade!
9. Poetry-sharing with Don in second year.
10. Poetry-sharing with Gautam Bhatia on the training centre steps. (This looks like the start of a beautiful friendship!)
11. Family Law.
12. Walks and talks with Sasch.
13. Univ Week.
14. Exploring the Amazon River virtually with Vikram. 
15. Long walks and talks with Vikram/Gow/Madhav/permutations of them in BU campus.
16. Terrace chats with Sallie.
17. Walks and talks with Tuhina.
18. Singing "Diamonds are a girl's best friend" and finally winning WMD vocal solo!! 
19. "Paper Rain" duet with Sanj and being a mentor.
20. Most DISCO room-checking duty times, long chats, and the friends I've made in that bunch of first year girls.
21. The Mid-Law school party....even all the running to cunningham road for medicines and the mad ride back to college in the car (that was the most fun actually!)
22. Buying wine with Shore as a Christmas present for my parents and most of that evening actually. 
23. Massage sessions with Kush.
24. Watching NWD's skydiving video in the common room. Nandhivarman being so helpful. More helpful than he could have ever realized then.
25. The night before leaving for the Worlds in fourth year....wrongly believing I had click-locked my keys inside the suitcase, and all the associated tamasha.
26. Heart to heart convos with Annie.
27. At Heera Panna with Roh, Annie, Krish and Kush.
28. The "infamous" girls' night out with Sushila and Sonam...(and yes, Sonam, I know there was nothing infamous about it....but let's just say there was... ;-) )
29. Walks around campus with Gow.
30. Walks around campus with NWD.
31. Strawberry Fields in my fourth year and NWD.
32. Deewar lunches with Nandhivarman.
33. Dinner at Rohini with some of my favourite people, Annie, Gow and NWD....and ordering more garlic in the egg burji and debating less.
34. Culcomm meetings.
35. Getting "The Call" from CC.
36. The first LPD class for the third years...experiencing the other side of the podium.
37. "Tainted Blood" - the performance and all the practices and people. Meghna, you fulfilled my last unfulfilled fulfillable wish in law school. 
38. Writing this post and feeling grateful for all the good times.

Home

I love home. I love it when my family is all around me, and I love it when I am all alone. The past few months have taught me to embrace solitude. The peace around me. Being able to think, being able to read, to exercise creaky finger muscles over the piano keys. The silence of the night is beautiful, broken only by the rustle of a page turning.

I can't wait for my family to return. But until then, I'm in love with the solitude. It's something to look forward to throughout the day. The moment I enter in the door, all the vibes soaked up during my day in law school dissipate, and I am at peace again with my thoughts clear in my head.

St. Augustine's Pears

This song has been my favourite one for almost the last ten years now. Every time I listen to it, it reveals some other aspect of my life/thought process/itself to me. So absolutely love it!

St. Augustine's Pears
- PETRA

Words and music by Bob Hartman


Late one night I heard a knock at the door
The boys were really painting the town
I was just another bored teenage boy
Kickin' up and actin' the clown... Yeah

One dare led to another dare
Then things were getting out of control
We hopped the fence and we stole the pears
And I threw away a part of my soul
Yes, I threw away a part of my soul (now it's)

(Chorus)
Haunting me how I stole those pears
'Cause I loved the wrong
Even though I knew a better way
Not for hunger or poverty
It was more than pears that I ended up
throwin' away... Yeah

Time goes by - now I'm old and grey
Those pears are just a memory
I would gladly pay all I have today
But that's just not the problem you
see... ('cause it's)

(Chorus)

Bridge:
Why do we love all the things that are wrong
Forbidden fruit has a strange siren song
Why do we do what we don't want to do
When we live with regrets our whole lifethrough

Repeat Chorus

And I don't even like pears that well...

All's well that...

At the close of the day, everybody gets what they want and all ends well.

:-D

I'm at peace.

In a couple of hours it will all be over, and then we begin over again.

I'm not in the mood for words.

So here are a bunch of pictures, each of which symbolize important times this past year. Moments of change, of happiness, of discovery, of living dreams. Moments I hope to take away with me....separating the grain from the chaff.

Happy New Year!

PS: Some of the dates are a bit wonky because the camera wasn't set right, but they were all from this year.

Au Revoir

I have never liked to say goodbye. There is always such a finality to it. And something dies somewhere in the soul. Instead, I'd far rather see it as something very temporary. I'll see you later. Au Revoir. We shall meet again. That instills hope.

The past four months have proved to be simply wonderful! There have been so many adventures and I've done things I've never even considered doing before!! What stands out though are the people I have met here. Liz, Brat, SS, Cowboy being right on top of that list!! Not to forget Gautam, Shibin, Aaranya, Cathy, Adithya, Sheena, Naomi, Toju, the Toucan and the entire Derivatives presentation bunch, the contingent of Indian LLMs, my clustermates, Shobhit, the TF squad and so many many others I have spent special moments and forged bonds with. It's been a beautiful time. I will always maintain that Singapore is a lovely place to be in when you have got the right bunch of friends! And I have been blessed abundantly!

So here's to memories of spending the night on a bench under the stars in a foreign land, parasailing and weightlessnes, camping in a hotel lobby in the wee hours of the morning until we could finally check in at 6 am, Bailey's Comet, the Lube, almost getting peed on by a bat, the fountain of wealth, spontaneous river cruises, conjunctivitis, tears, Hard Rock Cafe, green tea cake, Scruffy, long walks around campus and furtive oreo cookie mcflurries, the ten courts of hell, the crunch times before derivatives presentations each week, roti prata and teh tarik around midnight, Sheares suppers, IMH sessions, black and red nail polish, falling in love with the oh-so-expensive dress, camping, patai!!!!, chopsticks, kayaking, failed attempts at ice skating, trying to catch the baby monkeys on camera, lying at the base of the merlion and talking on and on...All of these memories so special because of the people associated with them.

I am glad to have known you and will miss you! Until we meet again then...!!

Coming to Life

The last few days have proved to be some of the most fun days I've had here so far! From frantic group discussion in the 20/30 minutes prep time for my derivatives class presentation, to sitting by the water at Clark Quay and talking about everything, to running up and down the green slopes of a reservoir, to watching (finally!!) UP, to finally experiencing the local phenomenon that is milo dinosaur. I can feel the blood pumping through my body, and my brain cells stirring somewhere up there. It feels just wonderful!!

Before I sign off though, I must tell you about the extra inmate of my cluster (group of single rooms sharing common bathing and kitchen facilities). I wasn't living long in the residences before I discovered him. He was the culprit behind the dustbin's contents found strewn all over the kitchen, the mischief-maker of tiny brown dots on the table and floor, the thief behind cereal stolen from a bowl left unattended on the kitchen table for just a few moments....what marks him out is his hairdo...feathers always awry, and somehow contrived into a messy mohican on the top of his head! I affectionately named him "Scruffy" on the spot, and even though he flies away every time I enter the kitchen and watches me from the opposite building, I have developed quite an attachment to him.

Picture 3 = A blurry bit of Clark Quay...the bridge where drinking in public seems quite acceptable, unlike elsewhere over here.
Picture 2 = A view of the lower reservoir.
Picture 1 = Scruffy in a post modernist picture after he flew away just as I clicked down the shutter.